“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” —Rumi, ancient poet
Today’s blog is about some conversations I’ve had recently. The words ‘Enough’ and ‘Stop’ seemed to be recurring topics of conversations….
Are you a people pleaser? Does other people’s opinions worry you? Or, do you try not to disagree with anyone for fear of their reaction?
I had a very interesting conversation with someone a while ago who was feeling anxious. They told me they were dreading going to see a friend that evening because this friend frequently says things which can be antagonistic. Additionally, this friend has a drinking problem which eventually ruins the evening and so meeting up is stressful and not that enjoyable. Dread leading up to the meetup can creep under your skin…
I asked her “why go?”
What transpired were feelings of pity, “Well, she’s on her own and I feel a bit sorry for her” to resentment, “Also, I’ll just end up being her babysitter at the end of the night as she gets so drunk she falls over and passes out.” to feeling forced to go “she’ll go mad if I turn her down. It’s just easier to go along to keep her happy”
I asked her what she was getting out of the friendship, “well, we’ve had some great times…but….” And she struggled to think of what was now good about the friendship. The overwhelming feeling was heaviness, dread and potentially fearing the anger.
Friendship, or any relationship, is a two-way street. Some give, some take, some compromises but lots of laughter and love. If it gets to a point where you’re dreading or pitying or doing something that really makes you uncomfortable or unhappy that’s not a relationship anymore. If it’s more take than give on their part, it’s helpful to ask yourself “is this enough for me?”
I had another similar conversation with someone who was upset at the treatment by a family member. They were complaining that this family member made everyone walk on eggshells, made demands on people’s time and had an attitude problem etc.
I asked “so what do you do when they treat you like this?”
The response was “well, they are who they are, they never listen to me anyway”.
I questioned what would happen if they stood up to this family member or told them their behaviour was upsetting. Their answer was they’d receive anger, insults on their character and a very tense atmosphere.
I asked if they enjoyed seeing this family member, “I try not to see them often as I like a peaceful life but if I refused to see them again my name would be dirt in the family. It’s easier just to go with it.”
Sometimes we don’t need to be rude or argumentative to stand our ground. We just need to assert ‘this is what I would like, this is what I can do, this is how I feel’. Shouting and arguing can be antagonistic and often never solves problems. It’s just a case of who can shout loudest. Saying “Enough” passively and explaining your feelings can sometimes be very effective. Or just walk away.
Of course, we’re not robots. We’re humans and emotional creatures who need to scream and throw a book or slam the phone down or say hurtful things to people who have treated us badly. So if you’re in a stressful, hurtful situation, how do you actually make it stop? How do you say “Enough”?
Another situation is work. When do you stop giving to something that gives nothing back?
Someone I know has a career that is unrelenting and stressful. They love the field they work in but there’s a disconnect with them. Colleague relations are fractured, incoming work is sporadic, they spend hours plugging away with very little reward but lots of exhaustion.
I asked “what do you get out of it?” Their response was about being constantly exhausted but admitting they were doing what they love. It was their passion. I asked them, “What will you do?”. They said, “keep plugging away and hope the fog clears!”
So, when do you stop plugging away at something that is just not giving you anything but stress and misery? How can you stop? Should you stop?
For all the above examples, I’d like to point out there is not a “one size fits all”. Yes, you can leave a job and find a new one. Yes, you can throw away a friendship or block a family relation or move house. However, there are so many things to consider in life like others feelings, financial responsibilities, our own peace of mind, our children etc. If we say “Stop” or “Enough” will we jeopardise our future life? Our happiness?
What we can do though is one step.
One step to stop.
One step to say “Ok I’m done here”.
That one step could be initial research into how to change a situation. How have others changed their career?
One step could be learning how to communicate more effectively with our peers, family. How are others dealing with difficult people??
One step could be making a priority list: Peace, money, location, family, job etc.
What would you put at number 1 on your priority list right now? Does that number 1 match with the way you’re living right now? If not, why not? How could you change that?
Often a very common situation is when we want communication or interaction to be a certain way but some people want it differently.
Talking to someone recently and they were discussing their frustration that they were putting so much effort into trying to interact with someone yet getting barely anything back.
I asked them, “what are they going through right now? Do you know why they’re not responding to you?”. I was told there were some heavy life experiences going on which were probably a contributing factor. Their main concern was that their messages of love and concern were just getting nothing back for days, up a week and then the response was indifferent and uninformative.
“I want them to reply to me! I need to know what’s going on with them!”
When do you stop forcing a situation? Is there something in your life where you’re tired and upset at getting nothing back?
People can be really hurtful at times without realising it and they can live in their own bubble. Taking a step back can, sometimes, have a much more profound effect. If you’ve made your feelings clear, it could be time to just breathe and let your words sink in.
Sometimes a situation is more about satisfying your own needs rather than assessing “is there a valid reason this person is behaving this way and why?” how can I go forward now?
So, let me know if there’s anything in your life that you’d like to say “Stop” to and how you could deal with it. I’d love to hear!
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