After a lifetime of family deaths and funerals I am still taken by surprise with grief.
Yesterday was my sister’s funeral. I sobbed, shoulders shaking throughout the service, watching the musical slideshow of photos of her and I as little children then teenagers and her with her own family. I sobbed and choked as I went to kiss her coffin goodbye at the end then walked back up the aisle, head down, past her mourning friends as my fat tears cannon-balled off of my face to the ground! After what seemed like a 5min all-embracing hug with my niece at the end, I inhaled one massive breath of air to steady my heaving sobs on her shoulder, wiped my face dry then sat outside in the blazing sun, alone, to reflect and calm myself.
Soon after, the venue’s terrace garden started slowly thronging with friends emerging from the service and from the moment the first person came up to say hello and hug me I was back to being dry-eyed, loud-laughing, sociable, chatty sister of the deceased. And I haven’t cried again for 24 hours.
How could I flip so easily from uncontrollable sobbing to then exclaiming loudly “Oh my God, Hello!! it must be 20 years!” while hugging old friends and cracking sarcastic jokes in conversation!
I guess that’s grief.
It was the same when my father passed away. I was there when he “left the room” and there when his doctor certified his death. I cried and sobbed holding his slowly cooling, rigor mortis hand then I didn’t shed a single tear for four weeks afterwards. I just “did” life as I know it, until his coffin arrived at his old house which we followed to the church where I instantly lost my mettle. How can a human Yo-Yo between grief to robotic then back again? it eludes me.
I guess that’s grief.
I know someone who lost a relative years ago. Their post-funeral grief was shaving their head, getting their first then second then third tattoos, jumping on a flight and taking drugs in India for 6 months working in a beach hotel. They weren’t healed but they boxed up their past and labelled it “Closed until further notice”.
I also know people whose post-funeral grief has resulted in marriage breakdowns, psychological breakdowns, instant house sales, mid life crisis purchases and let’s not get into the family breakdowns often caused by probate issues, inheritance issues and money issues. That’s a never-ending box of stories!
I guess that’s grief.
And that can also be an issue. Lack of compassion.
Once someone actually said to me “your father died years ago, you should be over it by now!”. The temptation to accidentally on purpose spill my red wine into his khaki crotch was overwhelming! However, I maintained dignity by excusing myself to the restaurant toilets but then walked out on him, my date, never to be seen again. Not for me.
I also know someone who is a friend of a friend and when their parent died they just went into Ice Queen mode. No tears. Clenched jaw. Tight smiles and Got On With Life saying “I’m dealing with it privately” but in fact they weren’t at all. Cut to 5 years later they then had a complete breakdown and were seconds away from ending their life with some pills but luckily were found and ended up in 7 months of therapy which saved them. I was told this person had a “delayed reaction” to the grief of their parent. It came crashing down on them from nowhere and they arrived at “Don’t Care For Life” Ville.
I guess that’s grief.
I think what’s important to mention too is that grief is not specific. It can indeed cover the death of a loved human being or a lifelong pet but grief means loss. Loss of a long-term career or the sale of a house full of memories or the loss of a precious item that we once cherished. Sometimes it can also cover the loss of your child finally leaving home to go to university, travelling the world or even getting married and starting their own family. It can also cover the loss of an ambition, life-goal or the end of a relationship, the loss of a long friendship or the loss of your “old self” if you become seriously ill.
It’s all grieving.
I know someone who got divorced. They were full of anger, revenge and full of lawyer meetings. Once they were no longer distracted with the litigation process, reality set in and Grief put his black top hat on and came knocking upon the door. They fell down the hole of alcohol addiction and their life was a mess, a revolving door of entering rehab / exiting rehab / entering rehab / exiting rehab, mourning their old life, questioning if they should have divorced, lost in life and all alone.
So, if someone you know has recently lost something or someone, please watch them and watch their behaviour, for weeks, months. The stages of grief are inconsistent yet telling and sometimes can be a cry for help. Some actions can be utterly desperate measures to “show” they’re ok and life is great.
We know our people. They’re in our life. What’s going on with them right now?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences ….
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