Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.
Alfred Hitchcock
For many years now my friends have always implored me to sign up to Married at First Sight (MAFS) or First Dates on TV. One even suggested Naked Attraction and I just gave them a look…..!
“You’d be comedy gold”
“The producers would love you!!” I smirked, flirting with the fantasy of “going public”.
I’ve been on tv before. Once on Homes under the Hammer in the UK (doing Feng Shui on a front door and Reiki on one of the presenters on a bed for comedic effect!!) and I’ve done a few small publicity/marketing modelling photos for workplaces. I also once got accepted to be on Blind Date back in the 90s while at Uni (my friend unfortunately didn’t get accepted. Cue awkwardness….) but I declined the offer as I had met someone soon after!
Lately, now the UK and Australia M.A.F.S are back on our screens, two friends have really stepped up the “encouragement” to sign up for the next series!
Having been single since late 2016, it got me thinking: should I? really?! I mean I’ve failed at online dating which just made me wonder if my reflection is really an old ugly spinster (like in Sleeping Beauty) with my one cat and a cupboard full of Ferraro Rochers!! It became apparent that no man under the age of 70 wanted anything to do with me. Not that there’s anything wrong with the over 70s whatsoever…..they usually have an impressive box of Drill Bits (not a euphemism………) and I’ve had a number of married men coming onto me from tradesmen to retailers to friends neighbours but I would never go there. Not my thing at all.
So I impetuously applied, late one night, clicking on the link and submitting my interest to M.A.F.S UK. It then got me thinking though…..
Would we have anything to hide if we went on TV? What secrets do we have? or, what shame do we carry around with us daily like a scar, a constant reminder of what we did and where? Because you know, it all comes out sadly, now, mainly, thanks to the social media circling sharks.
Furthermore, how would we deal with our secret being “outted”? Are we strong enough to deal with it publicly, in a Romanesque arena of potential disapproval, heckling or online trolling? Because once it’s public, we can never go back. As we’ve seen before on reality TV and in life, the truth always comes out in time. Like water finding a hairline crack of escape.
For me I’m a fairly open book. I don’t think I’d care that much if anything came out about me because I’m quite honest about my past and where I’ve come from. I made some terrible choices in my alcohol-fuelled 20’s, raving in clubs and fields in the 90s, using JD & Coke or White Lightening (remember that?!) as a coping mechanism for my homelife. Drinking and cavorting till the early hours with my friends.
Now in my early 50s I’m much more emotionally insightful, rarely drink anymore, have been single since 2016 preferring not to waste my time going on dates with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, cheating men.
I cheated on someone only once, in my alcohol-steaming 20s and I’ve been cheated on a few times by exes over the years. Although I’m mainly all Ommm and meditation nowadays, I do still have a short fuse when the pain and destruction of discovering you’ve been cheated on comes to light. #lifelessons I think they call this……
So let’s talk about enemies? Do you have any? and if so, who are they and why are they? Are you thinking of someone right now?
I once saw an old school friend working in a supermarket. Not having seen each other for over 25 years, we chatted civilly, slightly awkwardly. When I was at school, a few of us teenagers used to tease her about her love life and her naivety on sex. It was cruel, unwarranted and distressing for her. This girl was so innocent and didn’t ask for the attention.
I took part because I had no respect for myself nor for anyone else at the time. I was a mess as a teenager, not handling growing up, hating my homelife etc. I also couldn’t empathise or sympathise back then either. It pains me to admit the mess of a girl I was compared to who I am now, as a 51-year old. I wished I’d had someone just take me to one side and say “Hey! what’s going on? you’re self-destructing and hitting out at life. Talk to me… I’m here…” I was also one of the “naughty girls” in my class and was successful at being the class clown. This was another way of me avoiding my life. There is no justification for bullying. I own it. Believe me.
Anyway, this day in the supermarket many years later, made me feel ashamed and saddened. How low I had stooped for popularity and laughs just to escape from life. So I wrote my old school friend a letter, apologising for my part in her distress at school. I explained what was going on for me, that I lacked self-respect and dignity at school, also saying that now I am older and a more decent human being, I understood how awful her embarrassment and sadness must have been. And I was truly sorry.
I took it into the supermarket to give to her but she was nowhere to be seen. A colleague of hers told me she no longer worked there and they weren’t prepared to give me a forwarding address, understandably. I was too late. I drove home feeling really sad. I just wanted to say sorry.
The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or to regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.
Mick Jagger
I am open about the fragility of my family life and my childhood experiences. I am who I am today from those experiences and the insights I have gained over the years on human nature, has developed me into a much more calm, empathetic and supportive woman. I don’t hold grudges or bitterness. I get angry but I forgive those who have wronged me and I often choose to simply step away from an involvement in their life, realising that their actions are just a result of past trauma so I just let it go.
Holding grudges or becoming bitter affects only one person. You.
It eats away at you. It rots your vision and clouds your judgement in so many ways. Many a time, people have virtually spat out, “how can you possibly speak to (him/her) ever again? How can you even look at them?!” And I reply, “Because their toxicity is not going to affect my happiness and destroy my mental health. I choose to box up the memories/experiences into a virtual loft suitcase and eliminate them from my life”. That doesn’t mean you have to be ok about what was done to you. It means, value and respect your mental health more than holding onto anger and stress. Life is short.
Do you hold grudges? Every time you think of someone do you feel your heartbeat rise or your jaw clench when you think of them? Do you feel your mood change from contented and calm to furious or even sad/depressed now you’ve thought of them?
How has holding a grudge brought you happiness?
I read this advice in a book and it was so powerful. Try it.
In this book it said to write “the person” a letter, telling them every single thing you hate about them, what they did to you, how they made you feel, how their actions affected your life. I wrote it all down, covering 4 pages!! It felt so good getting it all off my chest. The advice was to then fold it up, put it in an envelope with a stamp and then, take it outside and put a match to it.
I watched it crumple like a tissue under the orange embers. The edges of the envelope turned into ash as it folded and withered away. It was a cremation of my past. I was watching my old negative emotions burn and die. I remembered the past but mentally I said goodbye to that person, that experience, that memory.
After a few minutes, I was just staring at a mound of dust that the gentle breeze was whisking about. Some flecks of the ash flew up and away, landing on trees and plants. I had said goodbye to the past. I felt lighter and contented.
Isn’t this better than holding a grudge and taking it out on someone with possible repercussions that can damage your life or your reputation? Try it yourself. Write that letter. Then watch it burn. Say goodbye to the pain and let it go.
Be careful of your secrets. Could you cope with them coming out?
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