Oh woe online dating!

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” 

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Hi! And welcome to my first blog! 

So, a short introduction to me (and I am renowned for “going on a bit” so I’ll try my damndest to be precise!!!): 

I have been single since 2016.

I’ve had very short dalliances since then. One man, after 3 weeks reunited with his ex (he was very honest. I really liked him though). Another man who I also really liked – showed signs of being a “dictator” towards me. I googled him and discovered his ex had gone to the papers calling him a fraud, stealing money from her etc. I ended that one soon after. Then finally I met someone who I really thought “finally! I’ve met a proper potential here!”. He had great children, great family, my friends liked him, he ticked boxes. It was 5 months of a lot of fun…until…….I suddenly found him back on the dating site behind my back with his profile active! He didn’t fight for me so I walked.

So during lockdown UK 2020, I was reluctantly on online dating sites but I either got ghosted lots (a great feeling!) or nothing really happened. I also thought a) we wouldn’t be able to meet anyway and b) honestly, I was pretty exhausted from being lied to and deceived. I didn’t need a man in my life. If I was meant to be single then that was ok with me.

Let me tell you though, being single during Lockdown 2020 (and now in 2021) while living alone is not fun. Fact. My coupled up friends said to me “I literally would have killed myself if I had to go through that all alone!!”. I kept myself busy and I had my son over sometimes but the tv dinners for one with my cat and the lonely nights in bed in the dark, were, are, a struggle. I admit, I did cry a few times. 

So, I proudly stood up and announced (to my cat….the fridge…..my plants…) recently, “I want some attention and titillation in my life!”. 

Doesn’t everyone want love and titillation?

So, I have signed back on with two online sites. Yes I’ve opened that can of worms and I do not use that term lightly! So let me tell you about me on dating sites……

I put my profile up with nice photos, I try to let my friendly, silly-but-happy personality emerge. And you know what? I get nothing back. Look, I don’t care if this sounds big-headed….I’m not unattractive. I used to put myself down for many many years and poo-poo compliments and never believed in myself. Now I stand proud, say thank you to people gracefully and think “yeh I’m ok” as I look at my reflection. 

My friends burst with laughter at things I say and do. They tell me I’m interesting, friendly and generous. They also say “you’ll find a man easily”. No. I re-word my profile, change my photos. Nothing. My friends gasp “you’ve only got 2 messages??? After 3 months of being online???” I get a thousand likes all the time which is ego-fabulous but a Like can’t buy you dinner or put their arms around you during a cosy film night! *****Let me just interject: I know some daters cannot send a message because of their subscription. I think you have to like them back so you “match” and that enables you both to message. Thing is, the men who like me I really do not like at all. They’re outside of my age bracket either foetus age or needing walking accessories or they just don’t appeal.

Online dating does actually exhaust me. 

One reason my 5-month fling gave me when we finished was “You earn more than me and you’re so active, I just can’t compete”. I think the underlying message was: if I was struggling financially and had a pretty dull life I’d make him feel more of an Alpha male! 

I was also been told, by a tradesman “You’re too independent. Us men get intimidated!” as he stood making sexual euphemisms towards me!!

So, over the years I’ve come to realise that I think some men feel intimidated if I have my shit together. I realise that they need to be the Alpha Male at all times, to rescue us, earning more, doing more, looking after us. The thing is, I’d love for a man to earn more, do more and to look after me. I’m not a helpless female but life is just different when you have a lovely man in your life. You feel amazing and cherished! Is that so wrong for me to want that again?

I am also not a diva. I don’t care if you live hand to mouth or drive an unlockable broken little run around! I’ve had relationships with men doing all sorts of jobs and careers. I’m not into designer labels and holidays in the Bahamas. I’m extremely “thrifty” and embrace doing a fun road trip to a remote B&B in the UK. I’m 47 now. I’m very humble, can be reserved and I have a suitcase of traumatic life issues that I’ve dealt with. I’m human.

What is in your heart is what matters, how you treat me and connect with me. More importantly if and how you’ll get on with my son. That’s a big issue for me too. 

I changed my online dating profile so it appeared less “confident” and less “independent”. I read it back and I just sounded like some little Disney girl begging for a man to love me. I deleted it. Why should I have to “dumb” myself down to “bag a man”?. I’m not prepared to do that so if I have to go through another 5 years of being single until a man who feels confident enough to date me comes into my life then so be it.

So, while many Likes ping my profile on dating sites with men who leave me cold, I continue alone, doing my thing and wondering if, one day, I’ll get a message in my inbox that will give me butterflies. 

Watch this space and I’ll keep you updated!!!